Taming
our Critical Parent
By
John Newport, Ph.D.
Most
of us in recovery have an intensely critical side to our nature,
often called our critical parent, which constantly accentuates the
flaws in ourselves and everything we encounter. When our critical
parent goes into overdrive, this can be extremely painful and
disruptive to our sense of self worth, peace of mind, relationships
and, indeed, our ability to fully savor the many good things in life.
It’s as if we are viewing the world through a dark, heavy filter
that grotesquely distorts our perception of everything we encounter.
When
we get locked in this pattern, life becomes extremely painful and all
too often we drive away those very people who are trying to reach out
and comfort us. As this pattern persists, we may be tempted to
return to drinking, drug use and other self-destructive, addictive
behaviors in an effort to gain momentary escape from our feelings of
pain and isolation by numbing out.
Pointers for
Taming our Critical Parent
Our critical
parent will always be with us and, as we will discuss shortly, can
indeed play a positive role in maintaining a healthy sense of balance
and perspective in our lives. When we find ourselves succumbing to
its negative influence, however, we need to consciously focus on
“taming our critical parent”. Hopefully the following pointers
will be helpful.
Acknowledge
your critical parent’s presence – Throughout a large part of my
mid/late 20s and 30s I was saddled with an intensely harsh inner
critic that was literally sucking the very lifeblood out of my heart
and soul. I lived in constant fear of this internal oppressor,
attempting to drive it out of my mind while denying its influence.
This never worked very well, and my nemesis would come back to bite
me at the most awkward times.
Over the years I have learned to acknowledge the presence of my
overly critical side, listen to what it is telling me, and attempt to
engage in a constructive dialog with this very real part of myself.
Through this inner dialog I may glean valuable insight from these
harshly delivered inner critiques, while convincing my critical
parent to turn down the volume to a level where we can peacefully
coexist.
I have also learned to honor the constructive side of my critical
parent, which embraces the seeds of such positive qualities as
discerning judgment, evaluative skills and a finely honed ability to
define the problem. Honing in on these constructive attributes, I
then seek to facilitate an alliance between my critical parent and my
inner nuturant parent, directed toward giving free flow to the
creative life force within.
Embrace the
feminine side of your higher power – In our culture, as well as in
most cultures throughout the world, the conventional concept of God
embodies the masculine side of nature and is often construed as
being rather harsh and judgmental. I have never felt comfortable
with this punitive conceptualization of God. Indeed, I prefer to
believe in a beneficent higher power that has gifted us with free
choice and gently attempts to guide us when we stray off the path,
provided that we listen to and heed this guidance.
I just finished reading The Shack, by William Paul Young, a
marvelous book that provides a vivid portrayal of the maternal,
feminine aspects of God. These are personified as a gentle,
extremely astute black woman who paradoxically goes by the name of
“papa”. Through this characterization the author conveys a
powerful archetype of the maternal, all loving, all forgiving and
protective aspects of God that are always available for us to draw
upon. Provided, of course, that we are willing to put aside the
clutter in our heads and listen. Indeed, I submit that truly
embracing this nurturant quality of our higher power provides a
powerful antidote to the constant barrage of brutal attacks that
occurs when our critical parent attempts to take over.
Take a break
from your head and get into your heart – As a rather overeducated
guy with two PhD’s and a passion for writing, I often end up
spending too much time inside my head. Caught in this trap, I lose
my ability to fully connect with the joy of living in the present
moment. These are also the times when my critical parent is most
prone to go into overdrive.
When we become caught in this pattern, we need to consciously take a
break from our head stuff. Playing with our kids or pets works
wonders in getting out of our heads and back into our hearts – as
does singing, listening to music or watching a beautiful sunset. One
of my favorite ways of getting out of my head is to immerse myself in
nature by being fully present during my morning walks up and down the
hills of our beautiful seaside community.
In a nutshell, we can strengthen our recovery by learning to identify
when our critical parent is taking over, and how to break free from
its suffocating grip. Until next time – to your health!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Dr. John Newport is
a free lance writer and addictions specialist based in Port Townsend,
Washington. He is author of “The Wellness-Recovery Connection:
Charting Your Pathway to Optimal Health While Recovering from
Alcoholism and Drug Addiction” (Health Communications, Inc. 2004).
For further information on wellness and recovery, and on trainings
and workshops conducted by Dr. Newport, visit
www.wellnessandrecovery.com.
He can be reached at DrJohn@wellnessandrecovery.com.
c/john
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