Having worked with alcoholics and addicts as a recovering person and as an alcohol and drug counselor for the better part of 20 years, I have seen many addicts and alcoholics succeed and fail in attaining long-term sobriety. For those who are not successful, a common link is the inability or unwillingness to attain the humility necessary to accept help. It is also apparent to me that a contributing factor to deficit is the tendency to escape the shame resulting from such humility by putting on the “killer” mask of grandiosity.

The term humility is defined in Webster’s Dictionary (1979) as “a state or quality of being humble of mind or spirit” (p. 884). Humble is defined as “having or showing a consciousness of one’s defects or shortcomings” (p. 884). Although being humble in recovery is important, it is often a difficult quality to learn – especially for alcoholics and addicts. They often have very strong egos and don’t want others to see their vulnerability. When they allow others to become aware of their shortcomings, and God knows most alcoholics and addicts are not used to doing this – it results in shame. They have spent their drinking and using careers avoiding such emotional pain and, when they stop using, it is hard enough just dealing with the shame that arises in daily life. Now they are being asked to get humble which directly evokes more shame. For these reasons, they put on a mask that states to others, “Everything is okay with me. I’m just fine.” This mask is known as “grandiosity.” Are you wearing this mask?

In its mild form, grandiosity manifests as a denial of any problems. It can sound something like, “I’m just fine over here, and I really don’t need your help.” In its extreme form, one may become very arrogant and pompous: “I’m not only just fine, I’m actually better than all of you. There is nothing you have that I want.” Notice the stark contrast between this attitude and the attitude of the humble person who is able to acknowledge his or her shortcomings and the need for help. Therefore, I propose that humility and grandiosity are at opposite ends of a continuum:

So, on the extreme left end of the continuum (grandiosity), the person is very arrogant and pompous: “I don’t have any problems – you all are the ones who have issues and, if you play your cards right, I might actually show you how to become like me.” This end of the continuum is easily recognizable by others and is often very repulsive, turning potential recovery support away from them. A person toward the middle of the continuum might state: “You know, I’ve got a few issues, but I really don’t need to do what you are suggesting because it really isn’t that bad.” This form of grandiosity may be even more dangerous because it is very subtle and by the time it is recognized, it may be too late. Finally, on the far right of the continuum (humility), the person might state something like: “Please help me – my life is a mess and I really need help!” Now, which of these mindsets is going to be more conducive to help? Of course – it is the person on the humble end of the continuum who is able to acknowledge the need for it. Unfortunately, people die from this disease if they cannot get humble enough to receive help; hence, I call it the “killer mask of grandiosity!”

Therefore, whether a person is just starting out in recovery, returning after a relapse, or currently has some time in sobriety, watching the tendency to escape the shame associated with humility by engaging in grandiose behavior is of grave importance. The mask of grandiosity can be lethal by rendering a person unavailable for help and will certainly hamper one’s chances at long-term sobriety. So get humble and get well!

God Bless,

Bob

(Excerpts taken from Bob’s award-winning book, Enough Already!: A Guide to Recovery from Alcohol and Drug Addiction. Available at amazon.com)

References:

McKechnie, Jean L. (1983). Webster’s New Twentieth Century Dictionary of the English Language Unabridged. 2nd ed. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Tyler, Bob H.  (2005). Enough Already!: A Guide to Recovery from Alcohol and Drug Addiction. Long Beach, Ca: Humble House Publishing.

Bob Tyler, BA, CADC II, ICADC has been working in recovery since 1990. He is currently Director of Operations and Clinical Services at Twin Town Treatment Centers, serves as the Immediate Past President of the California Association of Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Counselors (CAADAC), authored the book Enough Already! A Guide to Recovery from Alcohol and Drug Addiction (Amazon.com), and teaches at Loyola Marymount University Extension.