This column is devoted to answering your questions on the subject of addictive sex and love relationships, including their seeming opposite, sexual shutting down.
Q. Dear Sharon: I'm a woman, 54 years old, unmarried, sober 22 years. I like sex, and, although I keep myself in pretty good shape - better than most of the men my age -I really have a problem finding appropriate sexual partners. I tried adult education classes, hiking groups, even a cruise, but... everyone was disinterested or taken. So I went online. The same thing happened with all the regular dating sites like Match.com. So then I discovered the "Discreet Encounters" websites and hit pay dirt. I put up some semi-naked pictures and all of a sudden I had 300 emails in one day. After weeding out the really disgusting ones, I took a chance on meeting one guy who could actually spell, and he turned out to be Michael, a 50-year-old real estate developer. I thought we'd just have a fling, but it's developed into something else. Two passionate months went by and Michael started to talk about spending our lives together, moving me up to his place in Malibu (which I've never seen, since my place was always "more convenient"). I really fell for this guy because he said everything I wanted to hear and more. Then Michael stood me up one night, made some dumb excuse, and when I complained he disappeared. Totally. It's been two weeks and I just don't understand. I was content to have it be a fling -so why did he drop me altogether after being so in love with me?
Sign me...Stunned
A. Dear Stunned: It would appear that your fling has been flung. And isn't that what flings do? My hunch is that your Michael enjoyed the fantasy life you two had for a few weeks, but at the first sign of discord he was out of there, looking for someone else to share his vision of a relationship of unending bliss, when he was away from his wife, at least. (Yes, there are usually good reasons why men don't let you see where they live, and most of them are marital.) There are guys who are obsessed about legs, or breasts, or blond hair, and then there are those who are addicted to "newness." It's the one thing that you can't deliver, especially over time. I'm pretty sure that as your newness faded, his interest faded as well.
The real question is why you expected anything different from a "Discreet Encounter" website. You wonder why this man lied to you. Um, did it really not occur to you that men who use casual sex websites are not generally noted for their integrity? In this case, you were living in an even bigger fantasy world than Michael. I think you should consider yourself lucky that you got two months of fun and didn't get murdered. Next time you might not be so lucky. Go re-read "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" and reconsider the Sierra Club or ballroom dancing.
Q. Dear Sharon: I love my wife, Layla, but she is rarely in the mood for sex. I'm talking maybe once a month, if I'm lucky. She is gorgeous, as beautiful at age 35 as she was at 22. We've been together 15 years. For the last five years Layla has been buying herself lots of jewelry, and I'm not talking the costume stuff. She thinks that I should provide for our mortgage and food out of "my money," whereas "her money" is for her to spend on jewelry. She also believes that a "real man" would be buying his wife jewelry from "his money" - if he really loved her. So, if I don't really love her, according to her definition, I don't deserve to be having sex with her.
I do most of the cooking and all of the gardening, and I give great back rubs. I don't have the money for jewelry after paying all the other bills, and besides, she makes more money than I do. So what else can I do to get Layla in the mood?
Sign me...Nearly Broke
A. Dear Nearly: You've got yourself the equivalent of a personal piece of jewelry. Layla is pretty to look at but not much good for anything else. How can I say this? Layla is "just not that into you." I think that this is another case of remembering that the person in charge of the relationship is the one whose foot is closest to the door. Layla doesn't seem to care if you grow so unhappy that you might split. She may not even respect you because you are so easily manipulated. So, suggest that it may be time for you to find someone else more affectionate. When faced with the thought of paying her own mortgage, Layla may find the ability to reconsider her intimacy priorities, and if she doesn't, you may find yourself to be better off without her.
Sharon O'Hara is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist who has a private practice in the South Bay, specializing in treating men and women with sexual addiction or other relationship problems. She can also be reached at CitiBank Bldg. 3812 Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 360, Torrance, CA 90505, or by phone at (310) 326-5534. Her web site is: www.sharonohara.com, and her email address is sharonohara@aol.com. Questions may be edited for length and clarity, and names are changed to protect anonymity.